I feel quite down today. But i do, however, feel better than yesterday when I spent most of the evening bursting into tears.

S has put her status on facebook as ' ...is leaving ....and is going to .....school, woo hoo! '. Why does that upset me so much? Why am i taking it so personally?

I think there must be something in the air this week.

My mums husbands dad died today....so sad.....and nothing that i can say or do.

I spoke to someone special to me earlier today and unfortunatley had to upset them. I think that it will work out for the best though....

and then i received a letter saying i had an abnormal smear this time. nice.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day. I will carry on regardless and am starting as i mean to go on now...where are those books?

A x

I am really REALLY pissed off today.

I feel like i am wading through water at work. It is sooo hard to keep positive and smile.

I came in this morning to find out that another member of staff in my room is leaving. So thats three nursery nurses leaving, in the rooms i mostly work in, plus the supervisor who was dismissed. I feel so let down. She was the one who i could trust. she was the one who i knew i could trust that things would get done if i had to leave the room. she was professional, not lazy and fun to talk to. We went to the boss about the supervisor who has been sacked, together and supported each other. I thought she might have mentioned she was leaving.

Im absolutley devastated that she has kept this from me. Its just seems so selfish that she hasnt warned me when I was relying on her to be acting supervisor whilst I did this course. She has had a key child who needs additional support.....she has had to go on courses, have input with a nurse...all of this is wasted. and in my mind, it is selfish and irresponsible...and not in the best interests of the children who she works with.

Im also pissed off as she has a very smug attitude for a 19yr old, ive often ignored the way she seems to think that she is better than everyone else. but it has been more noticable this week (for obvious reasons, now it turns out)

But as they say, the show must go on. and as another person once said...nobody is irreplaceable. I think i feel let down more in a personal sense than anything else.

The rest of today contined in the same negative vein....

A grumpy student who deliberatly was working against the team in my room today.

Not knowing the routine, children or parents of the room i worked in today.

A member of staff falling out with me over an issue that i know is right but needed to be discussed at an easier/less busy time.

Our teacher coming in at the wrong moment after id done a fantastic circle time with the toddlers. she nevers sees me at my best, and she also makes me flustered and feel under pressure so i feel like i bugger it all up.

I was allowed to sit in on an interview with a potential nursery nurse and all seemed ok until another member of staff mentioned that she had heard rumours of this lady being accused of malpractice. arghh where does it end? all the muppets that she is interviewing/takes on are thick, lazy, shagging the male parents, or have a rumour attached to them?!!??

and there you have the private day care sector! This is why the government are introducing my course, in order to try and salvage something worthwhile from these people. That may be possible, but how can i do anything when they are all jumping ship because they are so badly paid!!

so I didnt go to college today. and that makes me feel really bad. Im just weighing up whether its worth it, or actually whether i want to anymore...or in actual fact whether i can actually do it all.

A x

Babies love 'em, Old married couples need to get out of 'em.

I'm just curious as to what everyone's routines are.

Mine consists of this;

Snooze alarm 3 times before 7am. Get up 7.05 am, shower, kids breakfast,get the kids to hurry up, drive to after school club, drive to work usually by 8.05 these days....WORK which doesnt feel like work...sometimes feel like im cheating almost....lunch 11.30-12.30 text a lot of people, BACK TO WORK, thats the best part of my energy gone all down hill from there, start feeling really ropey between 3.30 and 5.00, come out of work 5.10, pick girls up, spend 5 mins tryin to get them out of after school club, drive home, text a lot, put tea on,eat tea with girls and chat, wash up, do washing, make sandwiches, monitor showers for girls, bedtime stories, tucking in one girl at 8.00, check facebook with a brew or beer, tuck number 2 in at 8.30, check other online stuff ie blog, pay bills etc, 9.00 till bedtime is my time.

Its no wonder im up till 1am sometimes. Where does my study time fit in? Boyfriend time? I can always fit in my drunken time.....

I do have tuesdays off. Though I usually have something planned to do!

I am quite proud of my routine. However, (as much as i love them) when the children are at their Dads, i feel like a million dollars, so so free, its great.

Whats your routine?

A x

Feeling really drained and exhausted this week. Everyone is full of cold and miserable. Im feeling quite virtuous in that sense with just a minor sore throat. Mainly because in the past I always have had horrendus colds due to the amount of fags I used to smoke. So anything less is a bonus!

There is an underlying feeling of tension at nursery at the moment. Although things are slightly better than what they were.

I'll start from the beginning.

About two and a half months ago we got a new room supervisor for next door(lets call her f). My boss was so pleased as she was fairly mature and good at her job, and the toddler room really needed a good leader....all was well for a while....my room and toddler room, all started to socialise a bit together. I was sort of hoping that I had made a new friend, as the room supervisor was more my age than any of the younger ones.It was really nice, in fact it actually was too good to be true.

The more time I spent with her the more I suspected that she was taking drugs. I thought this on various occasions and confronted her with it on one night out. She admitted it, and tried to offer me some....which I declined....

From then on she became more and more blaze about telling me about about her drugs past and present. soooo flippant about it too. She took them on week nights before she was coming into work the next day and basically I dont think she ever came down from her cloud....

The nursery nurse in my room knew as well. We had spoken about it and decided to wait a while to see what happened, or if it affected her work. In the end it got to the point where she had told me via text she had taken 2 E's one thursday teatime. Alarm bells rang in my head at that point , then the nursery nurse told me she had taken 7 E's at the weekend. (That isnt the half of it either, but its enough to direct you to the idea that she had a slight problem)

We had to report her in the end. On tuesday she was dismissed.

What really makes me cross though is the way she directs her hatred and anger towards the people who reported her, instead of looking at herself and wondering why she lost her girlfriend (cheating whist high on drugs), her home, (couldnt afford it when her girlfriend moved out because all her wage went on socialising and drugs), and then her job. I really do not believe that it was a 'career' for her as anyone who is wrapped up in that world and taking those things is not fully engaged with the real world and is definatley not taking it seriously.

So although in one sense i feel relief, i also feel anger and frustration over it all. I especially feel guilt because I did actually like F. I thought she was lovely. But how much of it was the drugs, and how much was it actually the real her?

A x

I started college last week. I'm still working, but the course is only 6mths long. Its sooo hard though. I have been trying to start writing and getting my head around things but its like theres loads of blank spots. Its called the Early Years Professional status and is a validation of my so called 'experience' in the field of early years. I just dont feel experienced enough. I suppose I wouldnt be on the course if I wasnt meant to be, as they really did test me, with various interviews and written tests.

Theres also the other issues that are worrying me.

I work in a private day nursery which is very different to a childrens centre or a school nursery, or even a playgroup. I feel like what I need to do or achieve is virtually impossible. The staff who i work with are un motivated and not interested. My role is supposed to be leading and mentoring these girls.

Its not just me who sees this. Our teacher who comes in 1 and a half days a week is feeling this way too. Its much like banging your head against a wall.

I feel that my boss is just in this for the money. Which she is, with it being a private day nursery. If I was doing it for money i would have been long gone.

Im not a quitter though.

I'll get there.

http://www.cwdcouncil.org.uk/eyps

A x